The Secret to Successful Relationships

One of my clubs had an open house and a man sat down next to me, asked to borrow a pen and later we connected over writing. Somewhere between me offering to provide feedback and charming him with my unremarkable mug (to-go mugs are for the weak) half full of cold chamomile tea, we exchanged numbers. This man and I ate several meals together, laughed and swapped war stories. After a couple of months, sitting in his electric car, he asked if I was attracted to him. This was a fair question, considering every time he attempted to hold my hand, I pulled away. My answer didn’t please him, but I’m guessing it was what he expected. As I watched him depart from my life, a sense of satisfaction washed over me. Forty-year-old me knows some younger version of myself would have continued to lead that man on and ended up in a disastrous highly dysfunctional relationship because I wasn’t brave enough to say, “I like you but not enough to date you. I see we are compatible in interests, fitness, children and sense of humor, but we have no chemistry”. I imagine that if I had been this candid in my youth I would have saved myself a lot of heartache. But I know that I, along with the rest of society, are conditioned to ignore our gut feelings, throw caution to the wind and settle. That is what I did in my twenties and thirties and, at forty, betrayal of the self is no longer an option. Not one ounce of my being wants to settle for anything less than wholeness, because I’m enthralled with the life I’m currently living. 

Here is where I use the F word. I’m fulfilled and being self-fulfilled translates to successful relationships. I’ll explain. 

There was a time when I prayed and tried to manifest a successful career, a better relationship, a luxury car, and so much money that I wouldn’t be able to count it myself. I had these mini notebooks, and I’d journal these drawings and write out affirmations about this life that I wanted. I cried out to God, hoping for a reprieve from my reality that was the exact opposite of what I was attempting to bring in. I wanted it all so badly. I was willing to work for it. I was enraged and resentful about the life I was trying to get away from while simultaneously pushing this manifestation rock up a gigantic slope. It was tough and while I had some successes in my pursuits, the majority ended in failure. My frustration hit a high and progress a low and I threw my hands up and surrendered. I gave into the life that was given to me and decided to make the best of a bad situation. A divorced single mom with no financial or emotional support, I let go of trying to do it all and asked God to fill in the gaps. I took more walks because I enjoy nature and physical activity. I danced while cooking and doing the dishes. I packed up our things and moved back home because my heart had never left Boston. I read more. I laughed loudly and cried hard. And one day I woke up and realized I was content. I had everything I needed, and nothing had changed except my perspective and attitude. I no longer saw myself as an unworthy victim, but this powerhouse who had singlehandedly beat the odds and not only overcame some gnarly evil and betrayal, but made it look easy. I found passion, zest, and joy every day, and although I didn’t have the things I prayed for, I no longer wanted them because I was too busy enjoying what I had. And I have to tell you a shift began to happen. Very organically, things that fit my life began to come towards me. I switched gyms, met new people, joined clubs, started a business and even began listening to different kinds of music.  

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I have a full life where I allow people and things to naturally flow in and out of my life. So, desperation to maintain or hold onto people doesn’t apply to me. There is absolutely no reason to settle for anything that doesn’t feel like it fits. If it doesn’t work, then I know it’s not meant to be and something more suitable is on the way. I, essentially have the ability to choose whether I genuinely enjoy someone or not and my judgement isn’t clouded by loneliness, the need for financial support, conformity, or boredom.

Focus on you and choose yourself. This isn’t a new concept, but it’s legit. Perhaps you’re who you’ve been looking for, and other people are supporting characters. Maybe taking a solo trip to Italy or learning to play the harp are much more pertinent to your growth than finding your next love interest. Develop yourself, and you'll be significantly happier and more attractive and interesting. 

And for the people already coupled, the same principles apply. Work on yourself, and you’ll appreciate your partner more, or you’ll figure out that your relationship isn’t right for you and if we are living in our truth, that’s a win either way. 

My parting words…

The secret to a successful relationship is to have one with yourself. 

But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

Matthew 6:33

Love, 

Nadia